Situation

Dear Dating,
I hate you. I'm not mad at the moment, but I feel heartbreak coming my way. So, I've been dating someone for about 2 months now, we aren't exclusive, but I think that I might be done dating other girls really soon. I'm going on a date that I promised a girl about a month ago since I kept needing more money. I'm a little weird about going on with this girl because I know she wants to kiss me(she has sent me a message this week stating that she was going to try to put moves on me). But I know via facebook(I hate you facebook...sometimes I wish I never met you) that Chelsie(the girl I'm dating) went on a date tonight. See the funny thing was..she called me right after that and she has no idea that I know about her date, and she obviously doesn't know my skills. So in my eyes...she wished she was out with me instead which makes me feel good. Chelsie is amazing, and I'm really falling for her, but who knows where I stand in her eyes. She will kiss me, hold my had, and even fall asleep on me(I've always liked when girls do that). She will text me at 7am every day, and then again if I don't text her back, and again if I still haven't text her back. When we first started going on dates I was dating 3 other girls, but recently me and her have been seeing quite alot of each other, therefore, I stopped going out with the 3 others since I felt like I had found someone who I really enjoyed to be around. She makes me feel so free, she allows me my space. She is a very good girl and defiantly pretty mature(since I tend to fall for that type) which is good since I tend to be pretty immature sometimes..lol. But most of all she makes me laugh more then any girl that I have ever dated(I'm sorry other girls I've dated, you've just been outdone). Here's my issue.....she has a missionary and he comes home in January. She moves away in December for 4 months to finish her degree and then she is moving back here to go in to a nursing program. So here's what I think about this situation. I think she really likes me, more then any guys that she has dated recently...I know this because she said that she usually gets sick to guys after two weeks. So two months later here I am, talking to her every day. I hate long distance...and I'm pretty sure that she is going to date her missionary when he gets home, figure out that he has changed, and then she will move back here next summer and we will see....I'm not betting any money on this one folks, I'm pretty doubtful, but who cares? I don't want to get married soon, and she doesn't either...I like this because I really need to know the next person I get married to. I need to date them for at least 2 years, with very little issues. I'm shooting for 32. I'm 28, that's enough time for me to finish the plan I have for myself to get my masters degree, and become financially stable before I get married. Anyways, this is why I wasn't too mad about the whole Sarah situation...I just wasn't sure if I was ready to tell you all about her yet considering I hate when I jinx myself with girls.

The Baylor Blog

I have been thinking about this blog alot lately, or more, the person that this blog is about. See, in order for you to understand me, you need to understand where I have been. 3 years ago I decided that it was time for change. I was sick of where I was, and who I was around, and most importantly, what I was around. Weeks before I moved, I prayed and prayed for me to meet friends that would uplift me, and help me through the changes that I was making. When I arrived, I was staying at a friends house until I found an apartment. I must have gone to 10 different apartment buildings only to find that no contracts were available. I wanted to live near BYU since that is where all the "Good" people live. After a few frustrating days, I felt like I should stop by this complex called Parkway Crossing. I went in to the office and took a tour of an apartment and went back in to the leasing office. Just as I got back in the office there was an older woman who was there trying to get her son's contract sold. When she realized I was looking for an apartment, she offered to pay my deposit, and first months rent. I knew then and there that I needed to live there. I moved in on a Sunday, and went to FHE on Monday. Bailey came up to me and started talking(lol...she does what she wants). I felt so good about myself at that moment because she was beautiful, funny, caring, and a little feisty :) The leaders divided us up in to groups to play the game..they numbered us off, and since she was standing right next to me, she was going to be in a different group. But since she does what she wants...she decided to be in my group anyways. I think we played that game for 5 minutes before we decided to play our own game...see how far you can stand away from each other and catch an M&M in your mouth. We were awesome at that. As the activity was coming to an end, she invited me up to her house and we talked...and talked...and talked. I don't think that I have ever been so intrigued in my life about someone. I remember going home that night, and getting a text message that said something like...thanks for hanging out with me, I had fun(something like that). That next week...she got a cold which ment that I got to take care of her. I fell for her that week. I remember waiting ages before I kissed her, I wanted it to be perfect...like movie perfect. I'd say that kiss was nearly perfect. It was hawt. Lol. I fell in love with her at that moment. We spent as much time together as humanly possible. She was the best girlfriend ever. She cooked(took me out), she cleaned, and did some of the nicest things for me. I don't think that anyone has shown me that much love in my whole life. Now...for the not so fun stuff. Let's talk dirty for a moment. My history before Utah is very dark and I was in Utah to repair that part of my life. The problem was that she wasn't a part of that life, so it made it hard for me to communicate the temptations that were being thrown out at me. She made it very clear that she didn't want to know things about my past, and I made sure to not talk about them too much. I think that our biggest pitfall was that she was trying to fix me...well, not completely telling me what to do...but just hinting that she could see me as something better then I was. My problem with that part of our relationship was that I hate when I feel like I'm being controlled, which ultimately in the end broke us apart. See...I needed to be alone during that part of my life so that I could make changes without having to worry about other people. I needed to focus on myself. I decided to run away again for the summer to go audit lifeguards. The day we broke up was a very weird day...and is still the strangest break up that I have ever had. We had plans to go watch Pigs(lol..still cant believe you can get away with calling a little girl that) dance recital. We broke up in her car, and then went inside to watch pig dance. Usually when you break up with someone...you tend to leave their presence but we stayed. That day will forever haunt me because I hurt my best friend. I told her that I didn't think I was in love with her. I'm about to show my emotions a little bit. I'm crying right now as I'm writing this. The truth...I was afraid of getting married, and I was looking for any reason possible to avoid marriage. So I pushed her away, and I ran away from Utah. When I came back to Utah at the end of the summer, things weren't the same at all. I tried to see her...but she wouldn't have it. That made me so sad because I knew that deep down inside, I was still in love. After a few months of being back...I tried to move on. I tried to replace her with someone else. I got engaged to a girl about 4 months later. About 1 week before I got married, we finally spoke. That day, I withheld so much. I wanted to say how I was still in love, but I couldn't because what good was that going to do. Now...just so we get things straight here...I was head over heals in love with Julia at this time. Anyways...after my failed marriage...I tried to pick up the pieces of my life. Bailey noticed that my relationship status had changed and wrote me. By this point...I didn't have any underline feelings for her since so much time had passed..so by talking to her...I could look at her as just my friend. One day I was walking in to work when I saw her in her car. I was so happy to see her, she looked way different, she had blonde hair, and she had a sweet car. Lol. I wanted to talk to her about everything so we went to dinner. Yet another difficult time for us...how about we drag up all the sadness that we both felt at that time in our lives? It wasn't bad, I think I needed to hear the things that she had to say to me that day. I felt closure. As for the present, we are text message friends, and facebook friends, and blogging friends. When I think of her, I really hope that she finds the love that she seeks. I hope that guy is the best thing that has ever happened to her(and I truly do). Bailey changed my life forever, I'm sure I will still think about her when I'm old(er) and wonder what she experienced within her life. I will think about the little girl who helped me through the toughest parts of my life, and showed me(crying again) the door to a completely different life. I'm so happy to have met her, I hope that we stay lifelong friends as complicated as that will be.

Hurt...or be hurt

My heart is a very delicate thing. I think the saying goes..."I wear my heart on my sleeve." I always have, and I'm sure I always will. I fall quickly for girls which I'd say is one of my biggest pitfalls because that means that I jump in to relationships with girls, or try to at least, only to have them get freaked out and push me away, all because I love spending time to get to know someone. Within the last 3 months, I'd say I have dated more then I have in my entire life. I loved it. I had a girl for each of my moods...I had churchie, I had Provo girl(lol...ie a little skanky, but I still behaved), I had a divorced girl, I dated a cougar(36 years old, she was way hot, but so mental), I even attempted to date the meanest girl I have ever met in my life. I enjoyed the variety that I had, until I realized that none of these girls were what I was looking for. They each had different qualities, some good, and some bad. What I realized was, none of these girls wanted any commitment. I said about 2 months ago, that I didn't want to commit to just one person, when really, deep down inside, my little heart wanted more. Within the past year, I have done some pretty mean things to girls, a few deserved it, while others just happened to be there on one of my bad days. When I realized the things that I was doing, I was pretty upset at myself. My family raised me to be the nice guy which I'm glad to be labeled the nice guy....but nice guys finish last. Girls don't want the nice guy until its time to get married. When I looked around at all the a-holes dating and hooking up with the hottest girls, I started taking notes. What is it that the badass guys do that makes girls want them. Well for one they do mean things to girls, not like make you cry mean but just enough to get the attention of their prey. They don't call when they say, they pretend they don't care, and of course, they will try and push the sexual limit. When I was 22 I started putting my little notes in action. That summer, I hooked up with 21 girls within a 2 month time. I will never forget, or match those 2 months ever again in my life. The drawback to being mean is that you don't end up in any serious relationships. I quit being mean, and have reverted to the nice guy again. But my niceness ends when girls are mean. Take Sarah for example. I was so so so nice to her only to have her be mean to me. She is the "Provo girl" that I dated, and yes, she lives at the Belmont. Unfortunately, she is good friends with my good friends which means that we still see each other. Last night I saw her. The first thing that came out of her mouth was "Steve..why do you hate me?" Mind you, there was other people in the room. So after 10 minutes of her asking me why I don't talk to her, the worst thing came out(also the best thing I have ever said)...."Well, how about the time that you got mad at me for not asking you out on a date...and when I asked you, you never called me back..never text me back...or how about the time that you came to outback on a date....or how about this...how about the time you hooked up with my friend knowing full well who he was!!" I think she was shocked because it shut her up for a few minutes. Needless to say, I left soon after. I guess I just got sick of being treated badly so ultimately out of all the girls I was dating, I chose the nice girl, and ditched the mean ones. I'm currently happy and worried. I'm happy I found someone again, but worried that she is going hurt me. Hurt...or be hurt, that's how I feel. Either you are the one to hurt, or are the one that gets hurt.

Floored

So, I've decided to take a funnier approach to the situation that unfolded last night. First of all, I have a cold, so I'm not in the best of spirits right now. So, yesterday was a gloomy day here in Utah, it was cold, it rained all day, and I had to work. It was so slow there, I'm not kidding you, I closed and made 38 dollars. Too add to my excitement Amber was working. Now, on a lighter note, I was happy with that because cold medicine makses me kinda groggy anyways. Luckly I had drinkers which made conversation alot easier because it makes them more chatty, and more likely to tip better. Time just creeped along, and outback seemed so dark since the time changed. At about 8:30 table 33 walks in(not in my section). It was a table of 6 with 3 girls and 3 guys...and then I couldn't believe what I was seeing....thats Sarah? Whoa...first thing that comes to my mind is...awesome! Thats awesome! Your telling me, your going to come in to outback knowing full well that you would be seen by someone...let alone me. I spent the night avoiding any tickets that went in that general area because obviously that was an awkward situation. I managed to not look her in the eye even once and she left. After she left the lovely Miss Amber(who hates me but I don't have a clue why she does) and I had a little conversation, and the first thing that comes out of that girls mouth was "so...did you see your friend tonight?" I replied..."I bet your just happy that happened, that didn't make me happy." And then we were intereuppted by this kid who calls himself Drac(yes, he means like the vampire), and that gave me the que to leave. Anyways, at around 12:30am I get a phone call from Sarah. Sweet, so now you want to call me and talk about what? About how I asked you on a date, and you never called, or text me an answer, after complaining to me about how you wanted to hang out and that I never called you? Or how about this, how about we talk about how you come in to my place of work, and completely ruin my night by rubbing it in my face playing stupid games, that I'm done playing..needless to say, I didn't pick up..lol. But there was a text from me saying that I was done trying to figure out what she wanted with me. So...anyways, funny thing is..things are going tons better with someone new :) Sad thing is, I'm going to subject myself to more drama tonight by going to my good friend Debbie's b-day dinner who just so happends to be Sarahs roomate. So, I'm sure there will be more to come about this.