The Baylor Blog

I have been thinking about this blog alot lately, or more, the person that this blog is about. See, in order for you to understand me, you need to understand where I have been. 3 years ago I decided that it was time for change. I was sick of where I was, and who I was around, and most importantly, what I was around. Weeks before I moved, I prayed and prayed for me to meet friends that would uplift me, and help me through the changes that I was making. When I arrived, I was staying at a friends house until I found an apartment. I must have gone to 10 different apartment buildings only to find that no contracts were available. I wanted to live near BYU since that is where all the "Good" people live. After a few frustrating days, I felt like I should stop by this complex called Parkway Crossing. I went in to the office and took a tour of an apartment and went back in to the leasing office. Just as I got back in the office there was an older woman who was there trying to get her son's contract sold. When she realized I was looking for an apartment, she offered to pay my deposit, and first months rent. I knew then and there that I needed to live there. I moved in on a Sunday, and went to FHE on Monday. Bailey came up to me and started talking(lol...she does what she wants). I felt so good about myself at that moment because she was beautiful, funny, caring, and a little feisty :) The leaders divided us up in to groups to play the game..they numbered us off, and since she was standing right next to me, she was going to be in a different group. But since she does what she wants...she decided to be in my group anyways. I think we played that game for 5 minutes before we decided to play our own game...see how far you can stand away from each other and catch an M&M in your mouth. We were awesome at that. As the activity was coming to an end, she invited me up to her house and we talked...and talked...and talked. I don't think that I have ever been so intrigued in my life about someone. I remember going home that night, and getting a text message that said something like...thanks for hanging out with me, I had fun(something like that). That next week...she got a cold which ment that I got to take care of her. I fell for her that week. I remember waiting ages before I kissed her, I wanted it to be perfect...like movie perfect. I'd say that kiss was nearly perfect. It was hawt. Lol. I fell in love with her at that moment. We spent as much time together as humanly possible. She was the best girlfriend ever. She cooked(took me out), she cleaned, and did some of the nicest things for me. I don't think that anyone has shown me that much love in my whole life. Now...for the not so fun stuff. Let's talk dirty for a moment. My history before Utah is very dark and I was in Utah to repair that part of my life. The problem was that she wasn't a part of that life, so it made it hard for me to communicate the temptations that were being thrown out at me. She made it very clear that she didn't want to know things about my past, and I made sure to not talk about them too much. I think that our biggest pitfall was that she was trying to fix me...well, not completely telling me what to do...but just hinting that she could see me as something better then I was. My problem with that part of our relationship was that I hate when I feel like I'm being controlled, which ultimately in the end broke us apart. See...I needed to be alone during that part of my life so that I could make changes without having to worry about other people. I needed to focus on myself. I decided to run away again for the summer to go audit lifeguards. The day we broke up was a very weird day...and is still the strangest break up that I have ever had. We had plans to go watch Pigs(lol..still cant believe you can get away with calling a little girl that) dance recital. We broke up in her car, and then went inside to watch pig dance. Usually when you break up with someone...you tend to leave their presence but we stayed. That day will forever haunt me because I hurt my best friend. I told her that I didn't think I was in love with her. I'm about to show my emotions a little bit. I'm crying right now as I'm writing this. The truth...I was afraid of getting married, and I was looking for any reason possible to avoid marriage. So I pushed her away, and I ran away from Utah. When I came back to Utah at the end of the summer, things weren't the same at all. I tried to see her...but she wouldn't have it. That made me so sad because I knew that deep down inside, I was still in love. After a few months of being back...I tried to move on. I tried to replace her with someone else. I got engaged to a girl about 4 months later. About 1 week before I got married, we finally spoke. That day, I withheld so much. I wanted to say how I was still in love, but I couldn't because what good was that going to do. Now...just so we get things straight here...I was head over heals in love with Julia at this time. Anyways...after my failed marriage...I tried to pick up the pieces of my life. Bailey noticed that my relationship status had changed and wrote me. By this point...I didn't have any underline feelings for her since so much time had passed..so by talking to her...I could look at her as just my friend. One day I was walking in to work when I saw her in her car. I was so happy to see her, she looked way different, she had blonde hair, and she had a sweet car. Lol. I wanted to talk to her about everything so we went to dinner. Yet another difficult time for us...how about we drag up all the sadness that we both felt at that time in our lives? It wasn't bad, I think I needed to hear the things that she had to say to me that day. I felt closure. As for the present, we are text message friends, and facebook friends, and blogging friends. When I think of her, I really hope that she finds the love that she seeks. I hope that guy is the best thing that has ever happened to her(and I truly do). Bailey changed my life forever, I'm sure I will still think about her when I'm old(er) and wonder what she experienced within her life. I will think about the little girl who helped me through the toughest parts of my life, and showed me(crying again) the door to a completely different life. I'm so happy to have met her, I hope that we stay lifelong friends as complicated as that will be.